Aliens, Twins and Poker
by blacksand1
Summary: Just know that the twins are NOT Jasdevi. OOC, Lemons, Crack, and so much MOAR await you within this one shot.


I DON'T OWN D. GRAY MAN OR REALLY MUCH OF ANYTHING ELSE HERE. IF I DID... OH HO HO HO...

WARNING, THIS ONESHOT CONTAINS: PWHAP(Porn With Hardly Any Plot), OOC, BADLY WRITTEN LEMON, A MAIN PAIRING THAT NOBODY LIKES, ONE SIDED INCEST, ALIENS, CONTRIVED PLOT DEVICES, AND MOAR.

A/N: Ugh, WHY did I do this...? I don't know, I just did. And don't bitch at me about how I choose to spell some of the names m'kay? I'm just choosing whichever spellings feel right. And, PLEASE never let me write lemon again. Enjoy... or not, I don't care.

* * *

It was a slow day around the Black Order. There were very few missions for the exorcists today, so Li Linali, Yuu Kanda, Allen Walker and Lavi Insert-Last-Name-Here were all playing poker on the roof that fine morning. In hopes of seeing some boobs, Lavi had suggested they play strip poker. This plan was backfiring on Lavi, since right now he was without his weird headband, scarf, shirt, coat, socks and shoes. Kanda, Linali and Allen were currently owning him. But mostly Allen.

"DAMMIT ALLEN DO YOU HAVE TO WIN ALL THE TIME YA GODDAMN CHEATER?!?!" Lavi shouted, throwing his cards on the ground in rage. Allen grinned in a very evil fashion as a response. Linali sweat-dropped and said,

"Maybe we should've used money for this instead..."

"Linali my dear, I do believe you have forgotten that most of us are quite broke, Lavi especially because he bought some pornography magazines with the last of his money last night. Betting with currency would be a pointless endeavor." Allen said, holding his index finger up in a posh fashion. His asian and mixed race compatriots stared at him for a little while.

"... What's the matter chaps?" Allen asked innocently. Lavi hit him across the face with his hammer and shouted,

"STOP TALKING LIKE THE BRITISH PERSON THAT YOU ARE!!" Lavi shouted.

"YOU SHUT UP YOU PERSON OF INDETERMINABLE RACE!!" Allen shouted back.

"I've been meaning to ask you Allen, why don't you have an accent if you're british?" Linali asked. Before the younger exorcist could respond, a shadow was cast over the foursome, causing them all to look up at the source in confusion. Above the exorcists was a large floating ship-like-thing made entirely of metal in the shape of a frisbee. On the bottom, a strange hole opened right as they were all saying 'WHAT THE FUCK' and a beam of light came down from it, teleporting them into the ship.

The first thing that happened when they realized where they were was Kanda punching Allen in the face and shouting,

"GODDAMMIT BEANSPROUT THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!"

"MY FAULT?! HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?! IF IT'S ANYONE'S FAULT IT'S LAVI'S FAULT!!"

"WHAT?!?! HOW THE HELL IS IT **MY **FAULT?!?!" '

"... YOU HIT ME IN THE FACE AND IT HURT!! SO FROM NOW ON IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!"

"Astounding logic Allen." Li Komui said, leaning on his sister's head and taking a sip from his coffee. Everyone stared at the Chinese man in even more confusion.

"Brother- What are you doing here? You weren't on the roof with us..." Linali wondered. Komui grinned an evil grin and the light immediately changed to make it look like Komui was holding a flash light under his face.

"OR WAS I?" He hissed. Everyone gasped in shock, recoiling as well. Then the lighting changed back to normal as Komui deadpanned,

"No, actually, I wasn't. I fell asleep for five seconds and somehow ended up here."

"Yes, we stole you in your sleep. Dreadfully sorry about that." The predominantly asian group turned in a fashion akin to a dramatic gopher, and were even more shocked to be face to face with a pair of grotesque green creatures with tentacles, way more eyes then they should have, and silly hats. The silly hats were the most frightening part of them.

"Good day to you, my name is Bob and my compatriot here is Jim. We come from Planet Contrived Plot Device and we have abducted you so that we may conduct experiments on you." One of the aliens said. All the humans stared at 'Bob' in shock until Lavi made a strange face of surprise and whipped out a cell phone, shouting as began to madly press the buttons,

"OMG I GOTA LIEK TELL SUM1 RITENAO!!"

"Who are you texting?" Komui asked, one eyebrow raised.

"IDK, my BFF Rose." Lavi replied with a shrug.

"Wait wait wait- Aren't we supposed to be in the late eighteen hundreds here?" Linali wondered.

"If your brother can have robots in the late nineteenth century then Lavi can have a cell phone." Kanda deadpanned, already having succumbed to some of the weirdness.

"So... What kind of experiments do you need us for?" Allen asked, curious.

"Well for starters, we need one of you to mate with the female while we observe and gather data. We also need you to impregnate her so that we can collect data on that as well." Jim answered. All of them gaped at the aliens for about two minutes before Linali spoke up.

"WAIT JUST A COTTON PICKING MINUTE!! ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU WANT ME AND ONE OF THEM TO FUCK WHILE YOU WATCH AND WRITE SHIT DOWN ABOUT IT?! **AND **YOU WANT THEM TO GET ME **PREGNANT?!!?**" The Chinese exorcist shrieked, pissed off and blushing.

"Not exactly... We'll also be recording it for educational purposes." Bob replied.

"EDUCATIONAL- HELL NO!! THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THAT I'M GOING TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY LIKE THIS!!!" Linali shouted.

"Hmm, then I assume you'll be alright with us sedating you and mind-controlling one of these males into having their way with your comatose body?" Jim asked, smirking. Linali gaped at the aliens for about three minutes before sighing and muttering,

"Fine, fine. I'll do it..." She turned to the four boys and asked,

"Any takers?" Immediately her brother grabbed her in a crushing hug with one arm and pointed to the sky with another.

"BECAUSE THESE OTHER MEN ARE UNCLEAN, I SHALL BE THE ONE TO MAKE LOVE TO MY DEAR SISTER!!!" Komui shouted in a rather dramatic fashion.

"THE HELL-?!?!" The three male exorcists shouted, recoiling from shock.

"BROTHER?! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!?!?" Linali yelled, pushing Komui away from her with a look of disgust on her face.

"Yeah! Incest is gross! I learned that from my brother and my mom the hard way..." Lavi said with a shiver. Everyone ignored him in fear of losing what little sanity this endeavor was leaving them with.

"Yeah! ... I should be the one to do it with Linali!" Allen proclaimed.

"Oh hell naw! It's gonna be me!" Lavi shouted.

"I'M STILL GONNA DO IT!!" Komui exclaimed. The three of them immediately started beating each other senseless for the chance to do it with Linali while the chinese girl in question, Kanda, Jim and Bob all looked on with a sweat-drop.

"Such savagery." Jim sighed. Suddenly, Kanda spoke up for the third time.

"You realize that doing this experiment could put Linali at great risk." He deadpanned.

"Aww, you really do care Kanda!" Linali chirped happily. Kanda ignored her while his face was colored with something of a blush. Bob raised an invisible eyebrow and wondered,

"What do you mean?"

"Humans can get diseases from 'mating' that can really screw with everything in their lives. Also, there's a chance that Linali might die from having that kid. And there isn't a one hundred percent chance that she'll even get pregnant or stay that way." Kanda replied, making air quotes on 'mating' with his fingers.

"Hmmm, that's quite a risk there..." Jim murmured. He then shrugged and said,

"Then we'll just choose one of you ourselves and hope it turns out alright." Both Kanda and Linali face-palmed at that remark. Bob was able to maneuver the males into something of a line and out of their fight and the two aliens stared them down.

"Alright, we will use a proven method of choosing that you humans will be quite familiar with..." Bob said ominously. Every human exchanged glances, worried for what would happen. In a dramatic fashion, Jim raised his tentacle... and immediately started pointing at each male in an order that went with this rhyme:

_"Eeny, meeny, mainy, moe. Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers let him go. My mother said to pick the very best one and you are it!" _Before anyone could sweat-drop, they all realized that Tim had apparently chosen Kanda. Kanda realized this about as quickly as it happened and his eyes widened to seven times their normal size.

"WHAT- HUH- I HAVE TO DO THIS?!?!" Kanda yelled, a very uncharacteristic blush on his face.

"WHY DOES KANDA GET TO DO IT?!?!" The other three unchosen 'contestants' shouted indignantly.

"Because he was chosen. Now in you go!" Bob replied, pushing Linali and Kanda into a nearby room. After they recovered from the initial shock of being pushed into the room without warning, they both realized that the room's decor was... 'romantic', to say the least. Kanda simply stared at it with wide eyes and Linali let out a low whistle, preluding her remark of,

"Nice atmosphere..."

"Thank you, we did some research on human mating beforehand and did the best we could with it." Bob's disembodied voice commented. Before either Linali or Kanda could ask how they could hear them or speak in the room, Bob continued,

"There are speakers and microphones hidden within the room, along with cameras. And, the mirror on the left wall is designed so that we can see you through it but you can't see us. We, and your friends, are currently watching you and can hear you as well. While you are mating though we will have the audio switched to one way so that we do not disturb you during it." Linali and Kanda just looked at each other, feeling rather awkward about this whole thing.

"We could put some music on to help with the 'mood'." Jim suggested.

"This is already awkward enough, thank you!" Kanda snapped.

"Ah, we'll leave you 'alone' then." With that remark from Jim, the audio was switched to one-way and the pair of humans were immersed in silence. After about two minutes, Linali walked around Kanda so that she was about a foot away from him and facing him from the front, a somewhat awkward smile on her face. It's probably helpful to mention that she was standing about three feet from the very large bed in the center of the room.

"Well, I suppose before they resort to sedation and mind controlled rape, we should... Do it, I guess... Heh heh!" Linali said, squirming awkwardly with a somewhat pained grin on her almost entirely flushed face. Kanda just stared at the floor, his normally completely composed pale face entirely red as he gritted his teeth.

"(sigh) Just so you know I feel just as awkward as you do about this." Linali said, putting her hands on her hips in some cryptic womanly gesture. It was silent and still for about three minutes before- with absolutely no warning- Kanda kissed Linali full on the lips with just the amount of force one would expect from Kanda. Linali's violet eyes widened in surprise, and she should've been glad for the one-way audio because Komui was shouting many things in rage. When Kanda pulled away from Linali, he looked back at the floor and stammered in a low voice,

"Linali... I-i've wanted to tell you for a long time that I- that I-"

"Love you?" Linali finished for him, a cute blush on her face to match her absolutely cute smile.

"Y-yeah." Kanda replied, looking very un-Kandaish. Linali let out a little laugh and noted,

"This is the first time I've ever seen you so embarrassed."

"Hey! I'm not good at this kind of thing!" Kanda snapped, blushing as furiously as he had been before. Linali giggled again before giving Kanda a serene smile.

"I love you too Kanda." She murmured. Komui's rage was almost going to explode by this point. Kanda's blush toned down somewhat as he smiled a rare happy smile, and the two of them kissed again. It was a passionate kiss that grew even more heated as Linali parted her lips and allowed Kanda's tongue to explore her mouth with enthusiasm. Linali could hardly breath, but she barely minded that. As their tongues writhed around each other's mouths like a pair of snakes fighting, Kanda scooped up Linali who wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck, bringing her even closer to the Japanese exorcist. After a little bit of this, Linali undid Kanda's ponytail while still keeping most of her attention on their kiss and his hair cascaded down his back freely.

Suddenly the chinese exorcist let out a squeak of surprise as she found herself under Kanda and pressed into the mattress of the bed in one sweeping motion. But that surprise didn't last very long because the two of them were tangling tongues once more. As they did, Kanda slid one hand under Linali's shirt to undo her bra and used the other to undo her pigtails, letting her long hair fan out around her head in a breathtaking way. In response to this, Linali was quick to get Kanda's coat off of him and onto the floor as he moved his lips to her neck. As Linali relieved Kanda of the shirt he had been wearing, Kanda licked from the nape of her neck to the lobe of her ear. Linali let out a moan and grabbed his shoulders in a vice grip.

As he ran his tongue along every groove of her ear, Kanda eased everything covering Linali's torso off and ran his tongue down from her ear down to her breasts and her nipples, which were suffering from sensory overload as of late. Between her heavy breaths, Linali smirked at Kanda somewhat mischievously.

"Ha, Kanda, you're way too good at this," She said, letting out a moan shortly afterwards, "Have you done this before?" Kanda smirked back up at her and teased,

"That's for me to know and for you to never find out." Linali frowned, but it was soon erased by a look of pleasure as Kanda's tongue and hands went back to her breasts. In mere minutes the rest of their clothing had been discarded and the two of them were completely exposed to the other... And the six other people watching them from behind the mirror but they had long since forgotten about that.

"I- Ah- Kandaaa," Linali breathed, by this point unable to use complete sentences as she entwined her fingers in Kanda's hair in an attempt to bring him as close as possible to her. Yet somehow he understood and brought his lips back up to hers, their tongues tangling together once more. She ran her hands down his chest, the muscles jumping to her touch and wrapped her warm hand around his stiff member.

"L-linali," Kanda groaned breathlessly, making Linali feel powerful and weak in the knees all at the same time. "Oh, God, Linali..." she moved her hand up and down, slowly pumping him, making his breath catch and his hands tighten their hold on her hips as if she was his only anchor to reality. Kanda dropped his head to her shoulder, his hot heavy breaths rolling over her neck's sensitive skin, spurring her to double her efforts. He groaned as though he was in unbearable pain when she swept her thumb over the slick, swollen head of him, and he grabbed her wrist, wrenching her hand from him. Linali felt awkward for about 2 seconds before Kanda pushed her up further onto the bed and straddled her, claiming her mouth in a kiss that communicated the true depths of what he felt for her beyond the stammered and somewhat incomplete 'I Love You' earlier. It almost made Linali want to cry tears of joy and other emotions that raged through her.

"I, ah, Kanda... I can't, _please_," She said breathlessly against his lips. His hand immediately went between her legs, his calloused fingertips stroking the most sensitive part of the female exorcist. Her back arched and Linali's fingers dug into Kanda's upper arms out of pleasure as he explored every bit of her, her wetness driving him close to insanity with the barely suppressed need to plunge into her. He ground his erection against her, groaning from the contact and biting into the junction of Linali's neck and shoulder to smother the sound. She came with a scream, violet eyes wide in shock from the force of her orgasm, her entire body trembling like a leaf being bombarded by the wind. It was strange, what Kanda felt as he gazed at her; all thoughts of his own need, his own passion forgotten as he watched her reach her peak. He descended from his emotional plateau however when Linali brought herself upright, straddling him like he had been doing to her and bringing their eyes to a level ground.

"Now, Kanda. I want you _now_." She said breathlessly, grinding against him to show him _just _how much she wanted him. He couldn't have refused her even if he tried. And so he pushed himself inside of her, eliciting a small gasp of pain from Linali that Kanda silenced with his own lips. When Linali was sure the pain had subsided, she pushed herself backwards and took Kanda with her so that he was on top of her again. And so Kanda began to thrust into her, making Linali scream with pleasure and let out a few words in Mandarin that he didn't quite understand themselves but knew the underlying meaning of quite well. The way he moved made her scream with every thrust, her legs draped over his shoulders as he pounded himself in her. They were both covered in sweat, especially where their skin was touching, and the next thing they knew Linali was tumbling over the edge with a scream that might've been his name and it took him with her. And it was over.

Kanda collapsed on top of her, remembering to breath again after about ten seconds. He was somewhat heavy but Linali didn't really mind, in fact she was still coming down from the pleasure high and still trembling a little bit from the orgasm. When he could muster up the strength, he wrapped his arms around her and flipped them over so that she was cradled against him.

"You alright, Linali?" He murmured into her hair. She smiled against his collar bone and replied,

"Never been better... We should really thank those two aliens for getting us to do this, Kanda." Kanda smirked and whispered so low that only Linali could hear it,

"Call me Yuu." Her eyes widened slightly, but she smiled again and felt almost like she wanted to cry.

Meanwhile, outside, Jim and Bob were buzzing around with excitement over all the AMAZING data they collected, Lavi was staring at the scene with very wide eyes and a slight nosebleed along with a jaw that was on the floor, Allen had fainted right around the beginning, and Komui had been sedated because of his extreme rage about halfway into their sexual escapades leading to his desire to murder Kanda painfully and slowly.

* * *

"And so that's how you guys were conceived. Pretty crazy huh?" Linali Kanda said with a serene smile as she sat across from her twin Japanese/Chinese children, a boy named Xiaolang Kanda and a girl named Yuna Kanda, each about sixteen. Both stared at her with dark eyes wide with shock and surprise.

"I TOLD you that you should have lied to them." Her husband Yuu Kanda called from the nearby doorway. Linali shot him a look, and Yuna exclaimed,

"WAIT- THAT WAS THE TRUTH?!"

"I THOUGHT SHE WAS MAKING UP A LIE!!" Xiaolang shouted in continuation.

"Yep, I witnessed it all myself." Lavi said, climbing in through the window with Allen following close behind.

"I fainted before I could see most of it the first time, but we have it recorded right here," Allen added, holding up a tape labeled 'Japanese on Chinese XXX Action', "I did the editing myself and added some background music as well. Wanna watch?"

"OH GOD NO!!" The twins yelled, going off to throw up and contemplate their reason for being.

"... You couldn't have just told them the story of us doing it behind Applebees?"


End file.
